I slapped my baby
3 answers /
Last post: 06/01/2024 at 1:24 am
I slapped my 11 mo baby in a moment of complete dysregulation, and I don't know how to be OK.
It was a fairly normal evening. I knew in my heart that I was mentally struggling and was on the decline, and I snapped. She was crying as I tried to change her (as she does every time), but this time I threw a bottle across the room, and swiped at my baby, slapping her in the face. It didn't feel like myself, and seconds afterwards I was mortified. I have lived with trauma, overstimulation, and PPD/PPA, but I never thought I would be capable of this. It didn't leave a mark, my baby was bright and cheerful minutes later, but the act had happened; none of that mattered, it was the capability. I was suicidal from the guilt.
I told my partner immediately (he was at work at the time), and in the morning I rang the mental health crisis team, and agreed for social services to be informed and involved. I took my baby to the doctors so they could check she was OK, and have been having at least two meetings a week with the mental health and mother and baby teams. I have been writing to her in a diary since before she was born, and I explained to her what had happened. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I felt she deserves accountability. She is wonderful in every way, and my job is to protect her. I have failed.
I know I don't deserve kind words, but I think I just needed to tell my story, and maybe someone out there has had a similar experience and can give me some advice as to how to live with myself.
Hi Alex
I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. I’m glad you have been able to post about what has been going on.
You are right, while this is a situation that shouldn’t have happened, you have managed it appropriately linking in with all the right professionals to ensure your little one is ok and that you are getting the support you need. That is a very protective response to the situation. It is clear to me that your little one is your world and you are working hard to do this. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, it is the learning from things that makes the difference.
It sounds like this has been a bit of a wake up in terms of how you are managing. Are there things you can put into place to help you more? Any friends or family that can give you a break? Looking after yourself is the most important thing in ensuring that you can look after your little one
We are here to listen if you want to talk some more
Hi Alex
I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. I’m glad you have been able to post about what has been going on.
You are right, while this is a situation that shouldn’t have happened, you have managed it appropriately linking in with all the right professionals to ensure your little one is ok and that you are getting the support you need. That is a very protective response to the situation. It is clear to me that your little one is your world and you are working hard to do this. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, it is the learning from things that makes the difference.
It sounds like this has been a bit of a wake up in terms of how you are managing. Are there things you can put into place to help you more? Any friends or family that can give you a break? Looking after yourself is the most important thing in ensuring that you can look after your little one
We are here to listen if you want to talk some more
Hi Lauren,
Thank you for your considerate response. I don't have any family near (and my family has never been consistent any way); my partner's family are close-by, but I have only been in the family a short while in the grand scheme of things. I have a close friend near by who's a great solice.
I had a traumatic birth and PPD/PPA, to the point where I was very ill and hallucinated. I feel that the effects of PPD/PPA have been simmering under the radar for longer than is usually expected. In terms of steps forward, I have had my medication increased to settle my mood and have me in a better place to be receptive to management techniques; I have been referred for an autism evaluation regarding my issues with overstimulation, as well as a psychotherapist to tackle the history of trauma, and the mother and baby support team.
I am also 5 months pregnant with my second child. At the time we planned to have a second baby, I was the textbook super Mum; we knew it would be a massive challenge, but thought that it would be manageable, and ultimately worth it in the end. I kept up with my appearance, I homecooked every meal baby-wearing (or when she was older with her scrabbling at my ankles!), dragged washing down the street to the laundrette, researched every gentle parenting approach. And I believe I was completely and utterly crushed under the weight of it all.
For all the self-serving shame, guilt and disgust I feel towards myself after committing such an abhorrent act towards my child, I don't think I would have put in the hard work I am now if something so shocking hadn't happened.
If I turn this around, I may have been an unpredictable, inconsistent, and clearly sometimes volatile Mum for a year, but I can be an amazing Mum for the rest of my time with my child.
Thank you for listening and responding with compassion.
